7 questions to help you identify the gatekeepers in your life stopping you from succeeding
There are gatekeepers in your life who make you better and climb higher than you ever thought you could, but there are others who put limitations on you and can stop you from succeeding. But how do you figure out which is which and what to do about them?
If you are trying to change your life and take actions toward a certain goal and you’re meeting resistance now is the time to take stock and figure out if you have met a brick wall that is going nowhere. If you discover your gatekeepers are unmoveable brick walls then there are ways to approach the situation that can help you.
Why this post?
This week has been a particularly difficult week for me as I came to the realization that the way others were seeing me was hindering my progress in an area of my life. I had tried my best to change how I behaved in the situation (after all the only thing that you can change in any given situation is the way you behave, react and manage others) but this hadn’t worked.
In the end, I had to realize and accept that the gatekeepers in my life had put limitations on me that were fixed and never going to change unless I did something drastic.
The gatekeepers in your life
In life, there are many so-called gatekeepers that we have to go through to access our dreams. These people are usually people in a position of power relative to you, they may know people or have the last word when it comes to how you’d like to live your life. These are people like bosses who get to decide whether you get a promotion, are allowed to take holidays, get the opportunities to prove yourself or use your talents and abilities as best you can. Coaches in team sports are the same, they are the ones who select which players are benched and which others get maximum field time. This all matters when you have a goal or a dream you are hoping to be successful at.
How to determine who the gatekeepers are in your life
Question 1: Who controls your access?
The first question to ask yourself here is who do I have to ask for things in my life? Who are the people that control how you spend your time, energy, money, access to things in a general sense?
Question 2: How do you feel about these people?
In a general sense, do you feel positive in your interactions with these people or negative? Do you feel like they support you and give you space to succeed or hinder your progress? We’re still being general because overall in life you will have people who support you no matter what. You may have relationships that have withstood the test of time and circumstance with mentors and people you look up to and respect who will back you under most circumstances and allow you and encourage you to dream big, perhaps bigger than even you thought you could.
So, who are the gatekeepers in your life? And are they supportive of you and your aspirations?
Question 3: Do your gatekeepers know what you need from them?
It’s important once you have identified the gatekeepers in your life and generally how your interactions with them are influencing you that you become more intentional about how you interact with these people.
Becoming more intentional is about your gatekeepers knowing what you need from them, this implies that you know what you need from them.
So, what do you want?
And how can your gatekeepers help you get there? What can they do to assist you?
Do they know what they can do?
If not then how can you make them aware of what you need from them?
If they know what you want and how to help you then the question becomes are they doing what you need them to do?
Read more about how to figure out what you want:
A DustyDreamerHQ Performance Review and Periodic Self Reflection Tool
Download your very own Dream Building checklist!
Question 4: Have you given your gatekeepers opportunity and time to take action to help you?
Once you have identified the gatekeepers and done some soul searching to figure out if they know what you want from them, we move to the next step which diverges depending on whether you have made it clear what you need from them. Here we will assume you have done your best to let your gatekeepers know what you need from them on several occasions over a period of time.
You need to have done this step and be sure that you have been heard as best you can and given the person ample time to take action. Sometimes, a person who is a gatekeeper in your life may help you without you even knowing it. They may put in a good word with their gatekeepers to get you an opportunity. Or they could be on the lookout for something that will align with their needs as well as yours.
But if you feel like you’ve been clear and given sufficient time and you aren’t seeing anything happening then you might want to begin to question if your gatekeeper has become a brick wall.
How to identify the gatekeepers in your life who put limitations on you
Question 5: Is your gatekeeper more like a brick wall?
Unfortunately, the reality is the gatekeepers in our lives aren’t all about accommodating us and our aspirations and dreams. And there are plenty of reasons why the gatekeepers in your life become brick walls for you achieving your dreams.
Some reasons that I’ve come across are:
- They have their own agenda
- Politics (it’s better for them to do nothing or actively work against you)
- They feel threatened by you
- They themselves are insecure about their position
- Conflicting interests – They want what you want
- They aren’t willing to help you
- Personality clashes – They don’t like you
- They just don’t have time, energy
- You and your goals aren’t even on their radar as something they should be interested in
- There isn’t anything in it for them
- They are consciously or unconsciously biased against you
- They can’t see how their actions/inactions are affecting you negatively
This list is definitely not exhaustive and I’m sure you have your own experiences. Sometimes, it is possible for you to figure out the cause of why your gatekeeper is being a brick wall and actively address those concerns with them.
For example: If your gatekeeper hasn’t yet seen how helping you would be beneficial to them, you could explain why. By having a conversation or sending them an email you could highlight why giving you this opportunity would be good for them.
What to do if your gatekeeper is a brick wall
Question 6: Can you find a new gatekeeper who doesn’t put limitations on you?
Sometimes, it isn’t possible to get the other person to help you in a way that meets your needs. It is at this point that you need to decide whether you need this person in your life. Or if there is another gatekeeper somewhere else who could help you.
Your current gatekeeper may be one who puts limitations on you, who doesn’t meet your needs, and who isn’t on your side. They are people who don’t see your potential and push you toward that end. And they have the power to make you feel worthless.
So, who is someone that does the opposite? Do you know that person yet or do you have to go out and find that person?
This isn’t a one size fits all solution, but here is an example that may help demonstrate this concept:
Your coach may be biased toward one or two in the team, or never see your potential. Either way, you aren’t getting the support you need to succeed and reach your full potential. If this is the case, you could consider and explore other similar teams and figure out if the gatekeepers there would be more supportive of you. If you can find someone else somewhere else who is willing to help you be the best you can be, then take the leap and go for it!
Why you should do something about the gatekeepers in your life who put limitations on you
Question 7: Is fighting against your gatekeeper who is a brick wall to your goals and aspirations worth it?
The gatekeepers in your life are important because they can help you get to where you want to go. And they can stop you from reaching your full potential and even prevent you from being able to see what that potential is!
Obviously, there are elements of give and take in these relationships. But as with all relationships, it shouldn’t all be one-sided. If your needs are never being met by the gatekeepers around you then you may need to question if this is a healthy thing for you.
Gatekeepers who put limitations on you and block you from getting access to what you need may lead to you feeling bad about yourself and undervaluing who you are and what you bring to the table. The value of your own self-worth can decrease if you continually ignore your needs and allow others to do the same.
This is a hard thing to realize but in life, difficult gatekeepers teach us the value of who we are and the importance of being valued. If you don’t feel like you are valued or getting what you need then it is so much easier to get discouraged, lack motivation, and ultimately this kind of negative association isn’t healthy. It can change your mindset and make you stressed, anxious, and depressed. None of these states of mind help you reach your goals and really hurt your quality of life.
So, if you have identified a gatekeeper in your life that has become a brick wall ask yourself if staying is affecting your health and well being? If it is then you have to ask yourself if it’s worth it?
Is what you are doing trying to fight and push up against an immovable object? And if they aren’t going to be moved and they are resisting your attempts to find a compromise then what is the point? Is it worth you being miserable?
You can do it – but it’s not easy
If you’ve been reading this post and identify with anything I’ve written, please know that you are not alone. I have been where you are. And I’ve been in denial about my gatekeepers. I have tried time after time to get them to see me differently. Eventually, I had to accept that they had a preconceived idea of me and that wasn’t about to change. So, instead of being gatekeepers they were brick walls. This realization helped me to understand what I was sacrificing. Namely, my aspirations, my goals, and my health. And what I needed from them I was never going to get.
So I took action and made a change, found some new gatekeepers who see me for my strengths and potential. I believe that you can do the same, it takes bravery and being honest with yourself but you can do it!
Find gatekeepers who are supportive of you and your aspirations. And remember this support doesn’t have to be at the expense of someone else’s dreams either. A good coach or boss aka gatekeeper should be able to support all the members of their team equally. In an ideal world, this is true but not always possible. But, if you can find someone who fits this description, be grateful and use the opportunities they give you to learn and grow. Observe them and be the gatekeeper that you wish others had been for you!
