It’s been a rough few weeks for me and I have had a bit of trouble writing this post, not because of the content. But because I have not exactly been the best example of a person who radiates positivity. This is because I too struggle with self-talk and the negative things that I dwell on for far too long. So, I have come up with these 7 self-talk tips to get you from negative Nelly to radiating positivity. Whoever you are please know you are not alone in feeling negative. But you do have the power to change your outlook! It’s all in the way you talk to yourself and treat yourself.
7 Self-Talk Tips in a nutshell:
- Tally your self-talk
- Identify patterns, become aware of what you tell yourself and what you absorb from the world around you
- Start thinking about why you have these patterns of self-talk
- Determine to make conscious effort to stop the negativity
- Turn negatives to positives
- Record the good things in your day
- Be kind to yourself because you are amazing!
1. Tally your Self-Talk
The first thing that you want to do when you are trying to learn to be more positive (no matter the circumstance) is to get a baseline to know your starting point. So, I came up with this idea of tallying your self-talk. It’s a simple concept whereby you take a sheet of paper, or you could use my free downloadable template to keep track of your positive and negative thoughts throughout the day.
If a paper tally isn’t your thing then you could try another method of keeping track. Like transferring paperclips from one pocket to another every time you have a negative thought. Then count your paperclips at points throughout the day and record this tally on your phone or a piece of paper. The point here is to realize on balance what kind of thoughts you have and what thoughts you tend to cling on to.
Here is a free download template to get you started – Download here!
Now to use the tally sheet you could simply put a line for each time you had a thought. Or you could write down a word or two to describe the kind of thought you had.
It is this process of actually stopping for a second to think about your reactions to the things people say and the things that occur in your life that will allow you to identify patterns.
2. Identify patterns, become aware of what you tell yourself and what you absorb from the world around you
This is the next step in the process of developing your awareness of how you talk to yourself. Once you start your tally you will begin to become conscious of how hard your internal cheerleader or inner critic are working and what are the triggers for this talk.
What’s your pattern?
For example, you could have someone comment on how you look today, and this could be taken either in a positive way or a negative way. Either way, if you wrote in the column something like, “got compliment” in the negative column. Then perhaps later you got complimented for being smart or funny and you had the same reaction you might start to realize that you have a pattern of self-talk that relates to people giving you compliments.
Many people absorb the energy from those around them. So, if you hang out with a bunch of people who are stuck in an unhappy and negative mindset then you may be absorbing some of what they are feeling.
Another way that you can be affected by others around you is to assume that you know what and how they feel about you. Often this can be a reflection about how we feel about ourselves deep down. This is generally on the negative side of the scale, so you may think, “I’m pretty sure X hates me…” or “If only I did Y then maybe X would like me/love me more.”
So if you want to start seeing these patterns more easily then the tip is to add comments to your tally. This will help you to recognize the patterns and the things that trigger your negative self-talk.
The deeper you dig the more likely you are to really hone in on the source of why you talk to yourself the way that you do. This is the next part of any process of change.
3. Start thinking about why you have these patterns of self-talk
Acknowledging the problem and delving into the cause of the feelings you feel is what will ultimately help you to begin to change your behavior and become more positive. Negative self-talk can really hold you back from being positive (obviously). And ultimately negative talk can prevent you from achieving the life of your dreams. It can stop you from taking action. It can cause you to doubt whether your dreams are ‘good enough’ or important. And I’m here to tell you they most certainly are!
So, why are you talking down to yourself?
This can be a difficult one to explore and in some ways a can of worms. Many of the things we tell ourselves boil down to a few key “stories” we have been told over a lifetime and have come to believe. These internal beliefs that initiate feelings in us in certain situations that are very real, but not true.
Common themes that you may discover you hold are things like:
- My value to others depends on my looks, talent, achievement, income, success, intellect, etc…
- I should always be strong, right, perfect, funny, etc (essentially enough/perfect)
Once you realize that there is a pattern to why you talk to yourself the way you do then you can deal with the cause of the problem. And finally, come up with ways to combat these triggers.
4. Determine to make conscious effort to stop the negativity
Negative thought patterns are clingy
Identify the negative self-talk patterns is the start of what will be a see-saw road to progress. If you are determined to improve the way you speak to yourself and replace that less desirable pattern with a positive one it’ll be tough. You’ll probably experience the one step forward two steps backward phenomenon for a little while. You may get lucky and have more forward motion but it won’t all be smooth sailing all the time. And that is totally normal.
Especially when you’re under pressure and feeling stressed you may drift back into the old ways and have to remember to yank yourself out!
Getting stuck in the trenches is the hardest part about making any change because while you’re down there covered in mud and dust it doesn’t feel as though you’re making any progress – but you are!
Acknowledge your negative thoughts are real but not true
When you feel like you’re fighting, battling, skirmishing then you’re really doing an awesome job. Because breaking that old stubborn bad habit and building a new one is difficult. But change isn’t without its tears so you have to be strong and keep plodding on!
Acknowledge your feelings and learn to let them go. There are things that we cannot control. So sometimes feeling bad about a situation is a legitimate feeling. And it is important to acknowledge these feelings as they are very real. But often the thoughts you have are not true reflections of the situation you are in, or how others feel about you.
Learning to let go of the negative thoughts helps you be able to move on and become more attuned to the positives. Because the truth is you will never completely rid yourself of negative thoughts. But you do need to learn to not let them weigh you down!
5. Turn negatives to positives
The next step is to actively think about those negative thoughts you have. Then see how you can change them to a positive by looking at the thing from a different perspective. A good way to do this is to draw a line down the page and right your negative thought on the left. Then think about how you could address that thought. Is there something you could do? Is there a person in your life that is creating issues for you? Or is it a certain situation that you could approach in a different way?
By taking time out to really think these things through you will start to train your mind to wander down different pathways that are more constructive. You will also stop seeing yourself as a victim and realize that you have the power to control how you feel and react. This is powerful!
But at first treading that pathway will be like exploring a new city or trying a new kind of cuisine, it’ll feel foreign and weird. However, the more you continue to wander down those paths the less odd the experience will feel. And after a while, they will become second nature.
Though you may still find in times of stress you revert to the old pathway you’ll be able to recognize where you deviated and bring yourself back.
6. Record the good things in your day
Another good habit to increase your positive outlook is to take five minutes at the end of your day, (or whenever you feel is best). And write down all the great things that happened in your day. It may be difficult at first. Just like turning your negatives into positives but as you persist with developing this new healthy habit at it it’ll become easier and your list extensive.
Then when you’re feeling rubbish about your accomplishments. Or you just need some encouragement then you can look back and see the evidence that actually things aren’t nearly as bad as they seem!
A wonderful thing indeed!
7. Be kind to yourself because you are amazing!
I think most of us can say our self-talk isn’t doing us any favors. So when is a better time than now for you to change? I know you can do it! But it’ll be a challenge, and you’ll find it tricky at times. You might even relapse into bad habits, but don’t be too hard on yourself. In fact, be less hard on yourself, you’re amazing and you’re trying which is the most important thing.
Sure, what you were aiming for was better than where you are now but Rome was not built in a day or a week and nor were your bad habits. So, be kind to yourself. And if you need some more reading check out our blog post How to be Kinder to Yourself When the World Won’t!