The Empty Chair Method
I just recently finished reading the book “The Empty Chair,” by one of my favourite authors Jeffery Deaver. In the book many interesting twists and turns occur in the plot but there is an interesting technique that I learnt that I thought would be great to share. As part of figuring out how to build the life of your dreams there may be some things in your past that keep holding you pack. Maybe they are unspoken fears or unresolved tensions that can no longer be addressed with the person directly. I’m going to walk you through how it is described in the book and let you do the rest.
The Set Up
First things first you probably want to find a space alone away from others, this is meant to be therapeutic for you to get the things that have are are stopping you from moving forward off your chest. By elocuting or speaking these unsaid words out loud I hope that you will find some “closure” or peace and be able to move on toward a more productive, helpful, positive and healthy life.
Once you have somewhere comfortable set up ensure that you set up an empty chair across from your own. This chair is intended for somebody important to you.
Now Imagine
Since you are doing this exercise on your own you should begin to think of the person you’d most like to talk to. Imagine that person sitting in the empty chair across from you. Picture them in the clothes they normally wear, doing something they normally do and perhaps even smelling the way they normally smell. Close your eyes inhale their scent, listen to the sound of their breathing.
Allow yourself time to gather your thoughts and think about what you want to say to this person.
Let it out
So you’ve found yourself sitting across from a person that is incredibly important to you, someone you really need to talk to about how you feel or something that has happened in the past. If you’re angry at them or upset, or you have something you’ve been wanting to say but never had the nerve to actually say it now’s the time.
Take the opportunity to open up and talk to this person, let them know the feelings they have made you feel. If you felt betrayed by them or hurt, let them know why. Get really honest, remember there are no repercussions for saying how you feel to an empty chair.
If you’re in love with this person let them know, “I loved you from the moment we met,” perhaps you could tell them why.
Why would you talk to an Empty Chair?
There are plenty of reasons to talk to an empty chair, free therapy for one. Honestly, saying things out loud can help you feel better about the situation you’re in and it will also help your brain to move past the mental roadblock that has been put in the way of your progress.
Think of all the reasons you don’t say what you feel to a person, it may be because you are scared that you’ll hurt their feelings, or maybe you don’t like being so vulnerable. Imagine you actually said what you wanted or needed from your loved ones and they ignored your requests – that’d be immensely hurtful. So, instead we filter, we don’t always say what we mean or how we feel, or why. This way we protect ourselves from intentional hurt, but it can leave so many unresolved issues.
This is why the Empty Chair works
It removes the self consciousness and the autofiltering that occurs when we speak to others. It helps you to say exactly what’s on your mind or what has been on your mind for a long time. It also means you don’t have to be on speaking terms with that person.
This is particularly useful if someone has hurt you, you probably don’t have them in your life any more but there may be unresolved things that you still need to get off your chest in order to move on with your life. This is where the empty chair method comes in super handy.
Another area or reason that the empty chair works is because you may have unspoken words for people in your life who have now past away. Clearly you aren’t going to be able to resolve the issue with them but you may be able to talk through your feelings using the empty chair method.
You can really be open and honest and uncensored in what you say to the person sitting in the empty chair. It may be difficult things that you want to say and this is definitely a way to say them.
An important part of the empty chair is that you talk as if you are speaking directly to the person. For example you could say, “I wish that you hadn’t cheated on me, I really feel hurt and betrayed by your actions. Why did you feel that it was okay to treat me that way?”
The Empty Chair prompts
Once you get into the scenario you may find you feel a little stuck for words. Well here are some prompts to get you talking to your person and getting your feelings out of the whirring mechanics of your mind and on to the table.
- Now is your chance you have the opportunity to say something you’ve never said before
- Who do you want to imagine sitting in that empty chair?
- What are they wearing?
- What are they doing?
- Think about something specific you’d like to
talk to your person in the empty chair about.
- It could be an event or an incident
- It could be a memory or something you’ve always wondered or wanted to say
- It could be something you want to talk about the past or the future, or why things are the way they are in the present
- When you’re ready start talking to that person and telling them whatever it is you feel like saying.
- Tell this person your wildest dreams, your darkest secrets
- Did this person let you down? If so how? Tell them why it hurt you or made you angry?
- What’s holding you back, what person or situation has or is holding you back from progress?
- Perhaps you want to apologise for something you did or explain your behaviour,
- Tell them, imagine them there waiting; What do you want to say?
- Imagine this person sitting and waiting and wondering what you are going to say
- What is that one important thing that you want to say to that person?
- What is this thing that you need to say and that the other person needs to hear?
- Ask that person why…
Putting it into action
This is just another way of connecting with yourself and helping you to find peace and forgiveness within your life. Building the life of your dreams isn’t always about creating new things, sometimes it is just learning to make peace with what has come before. In doing this, in untying ourselves from the knots we loop around and entangle ourselves in we make it possible for there to be growth. Like a rose bush sometimes we need a bit of pruning in order for new flowers to burst forth later. For us humans part of the pruning is learning to let go of the “dead wood”, the feelings that weigh us down, the emotions that captivate us in unhealthy ways. And if the empty chair process can help just one person to deal with what is holding them hostage then all the better for it.
I totally believe that we can learn things from all kinds of people and places, including the fictional worlds writers create for us. If you too believe this perhaps you could let me know! I’d love to hear from you!