We all have moments in life or relationships that have gone astray. It might be the fading of a friendship perhaps caused by a diverging of interests slowly over time. Or it could be something that happens suddenly that alters your life in unexpected ways, maybe a break-up, or a missed promotion. But how does one deal with these setbacks and avoid them causing you to get stuck in a self-destructive cycle? The answer twofold, in Part 1 of this series you’ll learn how to grieve your losses and in Part 2 you’ll find out how to let go of regret both are required in order let go of your past and move forward with power and purpose which we’ll cover in Part 3.
Make a List
I’m a big fan of getting all the things that are bugging me out onto paper where I can see them and make sense of my feelings. It’s pretty simple but the act of writing out what’s annoying you, causing you guilt, or sadness onto a blank page be it digital or physical is useful and cathartic. As well as empowering because once you can see these instances you can start to deal with them.
Some examples of the kinds of things you may want to write down are:
- Anger, frustration, disappointment over missed promotion
- Sadness over a failed friendship
- Heartbreak, sadness, and anger over a break up
- The loss of something of meaning, maybe an item of jewelry passed down to you from someone you care about
- The regret of a missed opportunity
- The regret of something hurtful you said or did
In some of these cases there is an element of loss and others the element of regret. In both cases there are real emotions that can occupy your precious time and energy. These instances may have happened long ago, or be fresh and raw, but the point is that you’ve got a list and now you can grapple with the things that are holding you back.
Acknowledge the Loss
In many of the examples above there is an element of loss involved be it of a relationship, or an aspiration of where you saw yourself being in your life that hasn’t eventuated. In either case loss generates certain kinds of emotions within us humans. The bigger the loss the more vivid and intense these emotions can be. And the longer the process of grieving for that loss takes.
Now, you may be surprised to learn that we can experience grief for many different reasons other than the obvious. When you experience the kinds of things listed above, these also count as losses to you. One way to approach the subject is to understand how the five stages of grief can apply when you are grieving the loss of something you care about and that includes relationships, and jobs. Knowing this process will help you identify where you are in the emotional lifecycle of each of these areas of loss that you’ve written down. It will also help you to proactively address these losses and let go of what’s holding you back.
The Five Stages of Grief
Originally developed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross Five Stages of Grief framework was a way of coming to understand the emotions one can feel throughout the grieving process.
The Five Stages of Grief include Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. However, this process will be different for everyone. And because we’re tackling abstract forms of grief and loss there is a lot of scope for other emotions and reactions to be experienced as well. But I think that this is useful to be aware of because I have unwittingly experienced this emotional progression many times in the past.
Recently, I missed out on a promotion at work for the second time in a year. I was speechless when I found out and I felt all kinds of emotions I never expected I would feel about a job. The feelings I had were so strong and took such a hold of me and changed the way I reacted to the world around me.
I was angry, frustrated, disappointed and hurt, and even at a point sad. I walked around for weeks trying to wrap my head around why I was so upset about this. It wasn’t until someone suggested that I had experienced a loss and was working my way through the Five Stages of Grief that I really began to turn things around.
It took a little time for me to get my head around this idea that one can grieve for things outside of the literal death forum. I began to understand that I had experienced loss of this job that I had not only wanted but believed I could do really well and benefit the team. I also began to realise that I had been through the grieving process in other instances too.
A long-time friend of mine had grown distant from me and then after a point refused to talk to me. At the time I was confused, frustrated and hurt. I tried to reason with my friend but unfortunately that didn’t work. It made me sad to think that someone I cared for didn’t see the point in continuing our friendship. But eventually I grew to accept the fact that there was no going back. The relationship was dead whether I liked it or not.
The Stages of Grief allow a sense of understanding that you’re not crazy or alone in feeling these emotions toward things you care deeply about. You can also know that you can reach the point of acceptance and there are even some ways you can help yourself move passed these losses.
Letting Go
For me it was hard to admit that something like a job could have caused such emotion in me and affected my view of life and myself. I came to realise that there was nothing I could do to change the way things had turned out. But there was something I could do to change my thoughts and feelings toward these events that had occurred in my life.
Because let’s face it no one else was affected by the fact that I didn’t get the promotion, but I certainly was. For them it was no big deal, and for my friend who decided after ten years that she didn’t want to know me any more it didn’t seem to matter. I realized I was growing resentful of the people around me and then I started feeling guilty. I didn’t want to be the victim and wallow in self-pity, because it was getting me down. The more I dwelt on these negative instances in my life (that I had no way of changing) the more I was unhappy and stuck. There was nothing in it for me to continue feeding these emotions. So, I decided that I had the power to affect the way I viewed these events.
You Have the Power
In all of these circumstances, the events that occurred were outside of my control. I had no way of altering the decisions others had made. And although they had affected me and my life, I didn’t want to cling onto them and become bitter and twisted.
Though I felt powerless in all of these situations I did in fact have power and you do too. Once you realise that there is no changing what others do, you come to this lightbulb moment – where you realise that you get to choose how you feel. You don’t have to be the victim waiting for others to “save” you.
Define the Root Cause of Your Feelings
For me this came when I realised the root cause of my feelings and what I could do to change myself.
In all instances where I have felt these negative emotions, I was looking for external validation of who it is that I was. With the promotion I kept wanting others to acknowledge my achievements. I wanted someone else to tell me that I was good enough to be the supervisor. Or at least to give me the chance or the opportunity to prove myself.
But what if I stopped looking to others to “give me” the chance? What if I was the one who made my own chance? What if I stopped waiting for others to tell me I was good enough before I really believed I was?
For, me I had given others the power to tell me I was worthy of friendship or the position of a leader in my organisation. I had allowed them to define certain parts of who I was and how I behaved and thought about myself. But when I started to think about what I was missing, I realized that I needed to believe in myself more. I needed to back myself no matter what others were saying or doing. And I needed to acknowledge that I had the power to grieve the losses of these relationships and opportunities and then move on.
I could learn from my experience and become stronger for it. I could determine to stop allowing others to unknowingly dictate how I saw myself.
So, what if you do the same?
What if you decide to reclaim your power and own who you are and stop looking to others for validation?
Take the time to really think about why you are dwelling on these losses. What are the core reasons that you’ve been shaken by these events? Where and why are you allowing others to determine how you see yourself?
Because, counting grudges and clinging onto guilt and regret only serves to reduce your self-worth and momentum to get moving on your dreams. It sucks your energy and means you waste your time on things that you cannot change and aren’t beneficial to you.
Instead, you can determine to understand to a greater extent why you react to certain situations. And then the next time something similar happens you’ll be able to deal with it in a more positive way.
You’ll be able to acknowledge the loss you’re experiencing, and work through your emotions. The process of working through the five stages of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, toward the goal of Acceptance will help you to move forward. Once you reach acceptance, you’ll feel the freedom and know that you have the power to be your best self.
You’ll be more in control of your life and you’ll be able to focus your energy and time on building the life you’ve dreamed of without being dragged down by the losses of the past.
I hope that you have found this post beneficial, it’s a bit heavy and there’s a lot to absorb. But when you’re ready I’d love to hear from you about what you think.
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