Welcome to Part 2 of this series. In Part 2 we are going to tackle the hard-slimy topic of regret. In Part 1 we talked about some ways to deal with life’s losses the kinds that we may not think about, the loss of a friendship, relationship, or a job. If you haven’t read that one yet you may want to once you’ve finished this post and let me know if this series was useful for you. This is, of course, all to prepare you for Part 3. Where you will learn how to move forward in your life with power and purpose and find fulfillment.
So, without further ado, let’s begin.
Why Regret?
What is regret and why is it something we humans like to dwell on so much? Why does clinging to regret occupy so much of our time and energy? As with most human behaviours there is a pay off for us that in some way provides us with surety and stability – even if it is not what we want.
So let’s look at what the pay back is for this thought pattern.
Regret dwells in the past and places blame there in moments and decisions that occurred long ago. The blame factor is a huge weight that stops us from acknowledging not only could have done better but it also causes us to think that we are powerless to change whatever occurred from that point forward as a result.
It all starts with a shoulda, coulda, woulda
Let’s go back to the start of where regret is generated. Sometimes it has something to do with the losses we discussed in Part 1 of this series. In any case there is a point at which your younger self made a decision or did something that later on you regretted. The “later on” could have been soon after or years later. And the fact that the opportunity to directly affect that moment in time normally plays a role.
There is this sense that you’ve done something that shifted everything in a particular area of your life or maybe your life as a whole. You begin to think I should have done this, or I could have done that… or if I’d have known X then I would have done Y.
Following on from me missing out on a promotion at work example from Part 1. Once I had found out that my colleague had been promoted I began to think back through the last few months. Some interactions and decisions by my superiors became clear, and I felt silly. Why did I feel silly? Well, because I had helped my colleague and answered her questions, I had treated her not just as a co-worker but as a friend. I had even looked after her pets while she had gone on holiday and I felt used. I regretted allowing myself to become so vulnerable to this person who now had the job I wanted.
The Problem with Regret
Looking back, you can have the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, and that can lead to some really critical reflections on your part about how you acted. As with the example above my immediate reaction was to find reasons why I did something wrong. I regretted my actions that lead to the loss of my promotion. Though, not the being nice bit, but the bit where I allowed myself to get taken advantage of. But the reality is that was me doing what I thought was best at the time with all the information I had available to me.
Regret isn’t Logical
Regret is more an emotional reaction to circumstances that have occurred. Again, there is this idea that your mind generates that says if I just did x then maybe y wouldn’t have happened.
Sometimes these regrets are related to actions or decisions that can seem to alter the course of the next phase in our lives. When you look back sometimes you can pin point the exact moment your life changed, you can see the chain reaction of dominoes that fell after you tipped your hand this way or that. Once you made that decision or did that deed your life suddenly changed.
Change isn’t always so Black and White
Say you decided not to go to college and instead got married and raised a family. You may have some regret about not going to college though you certainly don’t regret having children.
And that’s the funny thing, you can very much regret not doing or doing something and still love the fruits and results those decisions brought you. Tthings that you wouldn’t have if you hadn’t chosen the way you did.
When you dwell on regret you focus on what could have been instead of focussing on the positive results of your actual decision. The results may not have always been good, but they brought you to the point you’re at now.
Dwelling on Regret Feeds Dissatisfaction and Discontent
By dwelling on regret you really give yourself no chance of finding true happiness and fulfilment. Because regret can breed longing and comparison between yourself and others who made the decision you wish you’d made. Now more than ever it’s easy to see the outcomes of others who made the alternative decision to yours.
You can see your old high school comrades who decided to go to college and check out their photos on social media, and boy they look happy. And when you see the outcome of their decision you may be thinking that could have been me.
The reality is their lives thousands of decisions, not just that one you wish you’d made.
Regret Diminishes Your Power to Change.
There are so many factors at play when one makes a decision, and it’s actually really unfair to blame your younger self for the decisions you once made.
Your younger self may not have had the knowledge or capacity to see the end result of their decisions. And it may be completely true and valid that you made a mistake and could have chosen differently or totally out of proportion and unnecessary. But the fact of the matter is you can’t change any of it. What’s done is done and there’s no going back to rewrite history. But that doesn’t mean that all is lost.
Whilst it’s not productive to judge and condemn your younger self, you can decide you want to change who you are now and that is something cool.
Be Your Own Hero
Regret and the blame, dissatisfaction, and discontent that results is because you have forgotten you have the power to be your own hero. Although, you can’t change who you were and why you made those decisions.
You can make choices now and determine not to be a victim of your decisions and your past. You have the power to change your life now!
Whatever it is that has been bothering you there is actions that can lead you to reconcile your past decisions with what you would like to remember yourself for. You are your own superhero, take charge and start changing what you don’t like about your life.
Perhaps you really do wish you’d gone to college, well it’s never too late to learn and today with the internet there are so many wonderful and often free resources available to learn just about anything you want. You can teach yourself an instrument, a language, how to knit, or cook.
The other day I learned how to fillet a whole fish! Thank you, YouTube!
You can even decide to make amends with someone you feel you shouldn’t have treated the way you did. You can write them an email or give them a call. You can send or not send the email, but it will truly be therapeutic for you just to get you feelings out on paper.
For example
In the process of dealing with this promotion situation. I decided to try out the talk to text function on my phone which was surprisingly helpful. I put everything out there that I wanted to say to her, the good, the bad and the ugly. It was like I was talking to my boss, but I didn’t have to edit or censor myself. I didn’t need to worry about the consequences of what I was saying, and it felt good to just put it all out there.
Once I had done this, I started feeling a bit better, but I wasn’t done yet. I decided there were still somethings that I needed to get across to my new boss who was previously my equal co-worker. So, I wrote an email and sent it off. I took action and all that I did made me feel like I was remedying the situation that had been bothering me for some months. It also helped me feel like I had finally taken back control of my own life. So, rather than feeling like I was constantly reacting the hurt and disappointment, anger and frustration I felt about the situation, my new boss, and myself.
Learning the Lessons Regret Can Teach
There is a benefit to regret and that is the opportunity to learn and make changes. It is possible that you may have made a mistake, but hopefully if you’re feeling regret you’ve realised that there was a better way to do things. In going through this thought process, you have the opportunity to identify and learned exactly what you could have done better and if you’ve faced a similar situation you’ve been able to do a little better.
Sometimes the only way to learn hard lessons is to make the mistakes and then realise after the fact the decisions you made weren’t the best. I mean think back to something your parents told you over and over again not to do, don’t eat so much sugar. Or do always brush your teeth. Now maybe you didn’t listen, and you bore the result of the not listening to advice. You ended up a little heavier than you would like, or with health problems, and bad teeth, or maybe no teeth!
You may come to regret ignoring your parent’s plea when you’re sitting in the dentists chair mouth numb and the drill whizzing and whirring through your rotten tooth!
But you can change! You don’t have to continue not brushing your teeth, you can learn the lesson and decide you will brush your teeth and cut the sugar out, but it might not be as easy as it sounds. In fact, it definitely won’t be!
Making the Change is Hard!
It’s time to acknowledge that most change is very slow. Once you’ve identified a portion of your actions you don’t like, and you decide on what to do to change it you’ll take steps to improve.
But it is likely that even though your intentions are to improve by 1000% you’ll maybe only do 10% better. It
Try not to get discouraged at this and rather focus on the positive. You improved! You did better! This is a big win! Small and consistent steps are better than big leaps anyway. They are far more sustainable and will allow your mind to create new patterns.
Old Habits Die Hard
Essentially what happens is if you’re not being vigilant in the area of your life that you’re trying to change your go to moves will try and take over. This can happen early on or later down the track when you’ve built up confidence that you’ve broken the habit. You’re sure you would never ever go back to your old ways. Then without thinking you’re there and you’re holding the “knife” and you have no idea how you got there.
It’s important to realise that the longer you have had the habit you’re trying to change, the longer and harder it will be to fight. You’ll have to stay on guard for a lot longer than you expect. There may be some set backs but don’t despair. Remember, focus on the positive progress you’re making and the lessons you can learn to avoid a repeat next time.
Wisdom in Weakness
When we feel regret we can now take a moment to reflect on why we’re feeling the way we are. We can also learn where our weaknesses are and find ways to change what we don’t like.
And whilst it is destructive to wish your younger self to have made better decisions, with what you know now, you can learn from these instances and make changes.
Remember, you are your own hero, and you have the power to change what you don’t like about your life, but you can’t change the past. You can learn to understand and make peace with the decisions that brought you to this day.
And realise that only very few decisions are completely irreversible. Your life is what you make it so start learning and living with power and purpose today!
Stay tuned for Part 3 of this series which will build on this idea of living with power and purpose. If you haven’t already, check out Part 1 of this series, which let’s loose on the topic of loss.
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Until next time!