Forgiveness is learning to let go of what has happened to you in the past. It’s not always easy to do but finding forgiveness when you have been hurt is a powerful and liberating experience. It is a choice and the consequences of allowing hurt and offense continue to linger on long after the actual event can cause not only you but your relationships with others harm.
This is Part 1 in a 2 Part series, in Part 2 you will learn how to forgive yourself.
Getting Angry vs Staying Silent
There are two ends of the spectrum that normally occur when one is dealing with an offense or a hurt. This is to either get angry or stay silent. But neither of these two approaches work very well to help you deal with the grievance caused.
This is because these perceived or actual instances of being wronged are like those little stones that get trapped in your shoe. You feel them at first but if you ignore them then they can continue to irritate you and rub away at your soft exterior. Eventually what once was soft delicate skin becomes red, raw and angry. Imagine carrying that around with you.
Once you’re in this state every misspoken word or action on top of this red rawness is just going to hurt you and anger you further.
Getting Angry
You may burst and lash out in anger and let everyone know your feelings. Chances are if you’ve done this afterwards you may not feel much better than you did before. The words you said in the heat of the moment may not have even had their desired effect. In fact, they may have been more hurtful and detrimental to your relationship to the other person than you intended.
Staying Silent
The alternative is staying silent. If you choose not to say anything at the time the little stone will continue to wear at your tender nerve. You will find yourself being angry and on edge and it may become harder and harder to control your emotions. The thought may cross your mind that maybe you should confront the person, but seeing as how it may be months or years after the instance that really is the root of all your emotion you may think it’s too late.
You are full of bottled up emotions that have not been expressed and this isn’t healthy either.
It takes time to forgive
Depending on what the hurt or offense is you may need more or less time to come to terms with what happened. You will hopefully realize that your power in making changes and finding peace is in deciding to let go and forgive.
To do this you can write a letter to whomever you want to forgive. Tell them why you were hurt and how you are choosing to forgive them.
When you put your feelings onto paper there’s something funny that happens in your brain. You let it out and release the pressure. You acknowledge the feelings that you have but allow yourself to decide to not let these hurt you anymore.
Once you have your feelings written out, identify the root of why you are angry or hurt by the other person. What is it about what they did that you would like them to change?
Make an effort to reconcile
This is probably the hardest part of all, but you need to attempt to reconcile with the other person and tell them how you feel. Now, it depends on your relationship to the person and your comfort level you may approach this in a variety of ways.
You should go to the person one on one and be as open as you choose to be. The important thing here is to give the other person the opportunity to know that what they did or said wasn’t appreciated by you and give them a suggestion on how they could change their ways.
A way to get your message across
If you don’t feel like you will say exactly what you want to say, you can write down your feelings in a calm explanatory email. Send this along with a request that you both sit down and talk further about the situation once the email has been read and processed. This way the other person will not miss the message you are trying to get across.
It also gives them the opportunity to digest your words and have a chance to respond thoughtfully rather than defensively.
I find this is method quite useful because some people absorb things better when they are reading them. And it prepares them for what you are wanting to discuss which will help to clear the emotional air before you sit down and talk.
However, there is no guarantee that when you do this they will listen, but your attempt to solve the rift will help you move on and forward.
Moving Forward
Once you have approached the other person and attempted to reconcile, you will need to give them some time to adjust their ways of being around you to give a more positive result.
If the person decides to ignore your request and continues to treat you in a way that is not constructive then you get the choice of whether you continue to allow this person to have such an influence and involvement in your life.
Now this is really relative to how hurt you feel and whether this relationship is healthy for you. Some relationships are naturally destructive and sometimes it’s better for both parties to part ways. This may not always be a mutual decision, but you always have the power to decide to what extent you allow people in your life.
You may still have to work with that person or see them on a regular basis, but you can choose how involved you are with them. But this is only works in combination with attempting to reconcile and finding forgiveness regardless of their decision to change. Because, if you are still angry or hurt then no matter what the distance you’ll still be affected by these events and people and find it difficult to move on.
Forgive vs Forget
Although you choose to let go of your hurt and forgive, you will probably find it hard to forget what happened. Again, depending on the kind of hurt experienced the harder you will find to forget.
In time, the red raw skin will heal over and create a scab but there may still be a mark of what happened. And if the hurt is deep enough you might even end up with a scar. This is a reminder that you have been hurt and though it’s ok to be reminded it isn’t healthy to cling on to these events and negative feelings.
Dwelling on the past is not a place where you can find your power. There is nothing you can do to change the events of the past, but you can learn and grow from these experiences.
Growing wise through the learnings
In all that you have experienced, you may have learnt something about others, or yourself, or both. These are lessons that you can take with you as a positive from what may otherwise have been a very destructive relationship. You can choose to see the positive. Even if it is, I now know that person X is not good for me to be around and spend my time with as they do not treat me with respect.
Learning even this will allow you to identify destructive and unproductive relationships sooner and prevent future scars from forming.
Setting boundaries
Once you’ve learned what it is that you don’t like about how you’ve been treated you can start to teach others your new boundaries. People learn how to treat us largely by how we allow them to treat us, this isn’t to say that people don’t take advantage because they do. But the way you allow certain comments to slide, or you stand up for yourself in situations shows others where your boundaries are. What is acceptable to you, may not be acceptable to the next person.
You can start to change what behaviour you allow from others at any time but be warned it’s not always easy. If you don’t like others calling you a certain name, make sure they know it’s not behaviour you like. They may mock you or take your new stance as a joke but pull them aside and tell them that it isn’t okay with you. If they continue to act in a way that breaches your new boundaries you have two choices let it slide and go back to your old ways or choose not to spend your time with them.
Either way, they will come to see you in a new light and often later on,
It’s a difficult thing, but by setting boundaries you can find a fresh perspective and power in your life and be surrounded by people that respect who you are.
Achieving Contentment
By learning to find forgiveness for others you can avoid bottling up your emotions and tackle offenses in a constructive and productive way. You can also avoid many by-products that result in clinging onto these things that have happened in the past. You can avoid bitterness and resentment toward others and despite disagreements you can find ways to mend relationships that otherwise may have deteriorated into disrepair without your attempt to reconcile and confront the issues head on.
In regard to unhealthy relationships, you will be more aware of what those look like and can circumvent these in the future.
In the end the power of forgiveness is learning to heal what is hurt and move on with positivity and purpose. If your relationships can be mended great! But finding forgiveness for yourself allows you to live in peace knowing you have done all you can do.
Closing the book on each hurtful event is an important step forward and allows you to take charge of your feelings. You can feel them but not be ruled by them. This is the way to achieve contentment.
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You just read Part 1 of the forgiveness series. If you’re ready check out Part 2 where you will learn how to forgive yourself.